


The Lovers, The Dreamers, and You

by writworm42



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Caring, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 05:52:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18515230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writworm42/pseuds/writworm42
Summary: Vanessa has a panic attack, and Brooke calms her down.





	The Lovers, The Dreamers, and You

**Author's Note:**

> The depiction of these characters is fictional even if they're inspired by real people. I have no idea about Brooke or Vanjie's actual mental health situations so this is not a commentary and may or may not have any truth to it, that's not for me to know.
> 
> I based Vanessa's panic experience and the things that calm her down on my own experiences with multiple anxiety disorders. Everyone experiences anxiety and panic attacks differently though, so I recognize that what I've written might not resonate with everyone reading this--that's okay! I ask that you please be respectful of my own experiences though.

Brooke heard the crash first.

“Jo?” Brooke ran into the room, panicked, worst case scenarios running through her mind as she looked around, trying to spot the other queen. When her eyes finally settled on Vanessa’s small form huddled on the floor, knees hugged up against her chest. Brooke’s heart settled down, and her breathing softened back to normal. But that didn’t mean there was any relief.

“Hey, babe.” Vanessa’s head snapped up in response to Brooke’s soft whisper, so that Brooke could see the slick, shiny tears trailing down Vanessa’s cheeks.

“I can’t… I can’t…” Vanessa’s breathing was fast and heavy, coming out in audible wheezes as she struggled to get enough in, to hold it long enough.

Brooke felt her heart break in her chest as she waited for Vanessa to get the words out, knowing they probably wouldn’t come. No matter how many times this happened, no matter how good Brooke got at helping Vanessa cope with them, seeing Vanessa go through panic attacks was always incredibly hard.

“Is it okay if I come sit next to you?” Brooke stayed rooted to the spot until Vanessa nodded, choking out another sob as she did.

The first panic attack Brooke saw Vanessa have was back when they were on _Drag Race_. Brooke had gone outside for a smoke after the orange alert runway tops and bottoms came back from their critiques to see Vanessa out on the ramp, gasping for air with her face hidden in her hands. It was by sheer luck that Brooke had helped calm her down that time; just being there to hold her seemed like enough.

But since being together, Vanessa had had more, and many had been worse. When she came back from the psychiatrist one day with diagnoses of panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, it was no surprise to either of them. By then, they’d worked out a system, a process to help bring Vanessa back to reality. It started with Brooke next to her on the floor, waiting until it was okay to move to the next step.

“What can I do to help?” she asked, her voice softer still.

“Ativan… I need my Ativan.” Vanessa’s eyes were squeezed shut, and Brooke couldn’t help but grab her hand in a desperate attempt to comfort Vanessa, to get the room to stop spinning around her. She knew she shouldn’t have, and tensed the minute her hand made contact with Vanessa’s own—but luckily, it seemed to be what Vanessa needed in that moment, or at least something she didn’t mind. She stayed there for a moment longer before getting up and walking to the kitchen, calmly but quickly, and grabbed Vanessa’s pills and a glass of water. Vanessa took a single pill gingerly, downing it and a cascade of water desperately, then collapsing back onto Brooke, her head resting on Brooke’s shoulder.

“Come on, babe,” Brooke wrapped her arms around the small queen and ran a gentle hand through her hair, “How about we get you into bed?”

Vanessa grunted her assent, and Brooke helped her up, still hugging her tight as they walked over to their bedroom. Brooke could feel Vanessa shaking underneath her, her breathing still heavy, as she lowered her into bed.

“Please don’t leave me.” Vanessa begged, and Brooke’s heart broke all over again. She brought forward a hand and caressed Vanessa’s cheek, relief spreading warmly through her chest as she felt the smaller queen relax a little into her touch.

“I’m right here, baby.”

Vanessa whimpered a little, and Brooke crawled into bed beside her, scooping her up to bring her closer. It was like bringing two puzzle pieces together; Vanessa’s entire body slackened a little as Brooke’s tall frame enclosed around her completely, a warm and cozy barrier stroking her hair and humming a little as the heaving of her chest lulled Vanessa’s own into a steady rhythm.

“Brooke?” Vanessa whispered, her voice hoarse and needy, “Can you… Can you sing to me?”

Brooke didn’t need to see Vanessa’s face to know she was blushing. She laughed softly to herself; Brooke was no Pavarotti, but her singing always seemed to calm Vanessa down when she was panicking. It wasn’t something Brooke found weird—in fact, she could see herself wanting it too, if she were ever in the same position. Yet still, Vanessa always seemed insecure when asking.

“Of course.” Brooke leaned down and kissed the top of Vanessa’s head, hoping with all her might that the small peck might communicate even a small bit of how much Brooke loved the queen she was holding, how much she loved all the things that she was, that she liked, that wound her up and calmed her down.

All the things that made her, her.

Softly, breathily, Brooke began to sing, hugging Vanessa a little tighter as she hummed,

_Why are there so many_

_Songs about rainbows?_

_And what’s on the other side?_

_Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,_

_And rainbows have nothing to hide._

Vanessa’s body shifted, her shoulders relaxing and her eyes closing as Brooke continued,

_So we’ve been told, and some choose to believe it,_

_But I know they’re wrong, wait and see._

Vanessa laughed quietly, turning around to face Brooke and smiling gently.

“The Muppets, huh? How did you know?”

Brooke stopped her song long enough to flash Vanessa a sheepish smile. “I have my ways,” she winked.

Vanessa rolled her eyes, but snuggled into Brooke’s chest, her breathing finally evening out and eyelids drooping as the Ativan finally started to spread its calm through her body. Sighing in relief and affection, Brooke settled herself as she felt Vanessa finally fall into a calm, sated sleep.

_Some day we’ll find it, the rainbow connection,_

_The lovers, the dreamers, and me_

**Author's Note:**

> Two fics? One day? Writworm, what are you doing?
> 
> Answer: I have no other hobbies at this point lol


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